These Aren’t Real, but how much less real than the real quotes are they?
A lot of fans reading the Dreamshake are, ah, well seasoned. As I am. We’ve read and heard a lot of Media Day quotes over the years.
Quotes may be satirical in nature (ie false).
“I like our team!” result: 20-62.
“We’re going to play fast.” – Chris Paul and James Harden, who almost never ran.
“Every player has a chance to play real minutes.” lied Mike D’Antoni.
“I’ll pay the luxury tax for greatness.” – Les Alexander, who basically did everything possible to avoid it for decades.
You can probably imagine many more from the past.
My thought is, if the real people involved can say things that are, let’s say, fanciful in nature at media day, why not me? But in this nascent Era of Good Feelings II, it’s good vibes only from me. Well, probably not.
Remember – I made these quotes up.
Ime Udoka – “Not only do I plan to focus, perhaps foolishly, even disastrously, on defense, I plan to earn the nickname ‘Smilin’ Ime” this season. You can’t spell “Smile” without “Ime”. Also, I believe rookies are basically STDs. Avoid them if you possibly can. And in my case, I can.”
Rafael Stone – “Whatever, just call me rah-fay-el, I don’t care. Also, I’m really sad I didn’t pull off the trade for KAT. I failed you.”
Fred VanVleet – “This offseason, I asked myself, is it REALLY all about the grind? I decided it wasn’t. It’s all about fried food. This is my season of fried food, across the US, and Canada. Also, I may miss games for my second career as a Drake impersonator, fighting a Kendrick Lamar impersonator at state fairs, car shows, birthday parties, things like that. Because it’s about the journey, not the grind.”
Dillon Brooks – “I didn’t enjoy being ‘Smart Dillon’ last season. That’s over. Shirtless vests 24/7. Houston is the perfect climate for it.”
Jalen Green – “I realized the problem wasn’t that I wasn’t making enough three pointers, but that I wasn’t taking enough three pointers. Volume is what matters.”
Jabari Smith – “I spent the off-season working out with Michael Beasley, and I think I learned a lot.”
Alperen Sengun – “No more English. This is one of the last sentences I’ll speak in English this season. Wait, also no interpreter. Learn Turkish, losers.”
Steven Adams – “My main goal this season is to teach the Rockets to do a haka, like my beloved All Blacks. It’s really cool, actually, and I think it will help. I will not rest until this happens.“
Jock Landale – “If Steven thinks he’s going to get me to do a haka, he’s sorely mistaken, mate.”
Jeff Green – “I am still in the NBA! I plan to remain in the NBA until an actual nephew of mine makes the NBA. However long that may take.”
Tari Eason – “People say I’m clever and funny, and it’s true. But do you follow my mom on Twitter? You really should. No, I’m not calling it “X”, that’s stupid.”
Amen Thompson – “I solved shooting sometime in July. Rest assured, it’s going to be excellent. That left the rest of my time free for solving the problem of large scale battery recycling, and I’ve got what I think is a workable pilot project underway.”
Reed Sheppard – “I am pleased to be the first to tell you that my mom is joining the Rockets coaching staff as the shooting coach. Frankly, this is wonderful news, as you may have noticed that I can shoot, and the Rockets, largely, cannot shoot. This can only help. You’re most welcome. Also, I grew a mustache. You probably thought I couldn’t. That’s just the first of negative expectations I’m going to defy.”
Cam Whitmore – “I have one goal this season. I will dunk on every 7ft player, and every future Hall of Famer, at least once. I hope these will be brutal, soul-crushing, confidence wrecking, dunks, and that some players will retire on the spot, but that’s in the hands of The Lord.”
Aaron Holiday – “Sometime this summer, I realized my destiny. I am as John the Baptist to Reed Sheppard. Wait, that’s probably a little much. No. It isn’t. I’ll stand by that. Well, without the death.”
Jack McVeigh – “I stand with Jock. No haka.”
Nate Williams – “If a haka will get me on the court, I will haka.”
N’Faly Dante – “What Nate said.”
Tilman Fertitta: “This is a great practice space and office facility isn’t it? It is genuinely state of the art. I got that done. Did Les? No, Les did not even come close, he liked “Rat Land”, sorry the Hatchback practice court, because it was cheap. AND I’m going to revive the Comets, that were dominant, and Les, if you remember, killed because wah, I made billions on the Rockets, but wah, I lost a little on the Comets. Face it, Les was kind of whiny. AND this team looks really fun. AND I support U of H athletics like literally no one ever has. Because I actually do LOVE Houston! Sigh. It doesn’t matter does it? I shouldn’t have written that book…”
JaeSean Tate: “I’m still here! You forgot I was didn’t you? You did. I hate everything.”