Totally Not Fake News: The Houston Texans’ foray into free agency

New NFL Year, more roster turnover, but with added pressure. This is how it all “totally” went down.

HOUSTON – Happy NFL New Year!!! It is a time of optimism, hope (at least for any team not named the Denver Broncos or the Carolina Panthers) and belief that a team can rebuild/reload to get better and find themselves on the path to doing that which all desire: Dethroning the Kansas City Chiefs and getting Travis Kelce off of our TV screens. There is also the whole winning the Super Bowl thing, but honestly, we think some things take far greater precedence.

For the Houston Texans, this particular free agency foray figured to generate interest. Houston has used free agency to a great extent over the past few seasons. Yet, how that free agency played out was not exactly what most expected.

“Honestly, who gets excited splurging on DVDs from the Walmart bargain bin barrel? I mean, I guess if you wanted to load up on all of the Kirk Cameron Christmas specials, go for it. However, for NFL free agency…Yeah, it fills a roster, but there is such a thing as quality.” An unnamed staffer reported.

Maybe the staffer has a point. Under Caserio, the Texans, before the start of the 2023 season, brought in over 70 free agents. Most came in on one/two year cap friendly deals. “Like we were gonna be good anyway?” Caserio reportedly told several unnamed staffers (or so we heard on the internet, so we will take that as absolute gospel). “Blow good money on a few good players? Sure, they would take the money, but we’d still suck, be in cap hell, and Cal might have actually started asking a few questions, and you know…”

“Sorry Mr Caserio, but Mr. McNair is on Line 3.”

“Hold on. ‘Mr. McNar, good to speak with you sir. No sir, no, no problem at all. Sure, I will take care of that problem promptly. Whatever you need, sir. The highlight of my day/week/year is to help you out sir.” [Followed by loud retching noise upon the phone hanging up]

Photo by Michael Hickey/Getty Images

So it went. However, as another staffer noted, some things started to change. “Well, after Easterby, Cal needed a new advisor. So, he brought in someone who could make good decisions. Well, I don’t know about letting your spouse completely dictate life, but Hannah was getting some things right. Then the draft night moves, which for some reason Caserio kept calling ‘Operation Save my [KITTEN]’. Well, you saw how it played out.”

“Now the Texans will take a far different off-season approach…or so people thought. When Day 1 of the “Tampering Period” kicked off, many of the marquee free agents reportedly agreed to deals, ready to sign on the following Wednesday. Players like Barkley, Watkins and a bunch of dudes who would significantly help the Texans for the upcoming season, all went to other teams. Some wondered what was going on, like this one staffer:”

“Well, I mean, Caserio has all of this credit, and now with all the money and people actually wanting to play with Houston, we figured we would get to pick and choose. Then Monday comes along…and we ain’t doin’ [KITTEN]! We were all getting a little antsy. We kept thinking what’s the big move? Then we see where Cashman and Greenard get signed by Minnesota, and the panic level started going way up.”

Admittedly, our sources at Totally Not Fake News are a bit fuzzy on the details for why the delay. One source indicates that Nick Caserio was playing what he called the Haymitch Gambit, whereby he waits for all the other tributes, er, franchises, to blow all of their cap space and draft capital on the 1st, or “Cornucopia” Day of free agency. That same source indicated that this was based on a book that DC Matt Burke accidentally left in the Texans break room.

Yet, while Caserio has shown he is not one to go all crazy with cap space, he apparently received an office call late on Day 1 of tampering. Only two people entered the office. The alleged participants: Head Coach DeMeco Ryans and Texans Consigliare Hannah McNair. Witnesses recall hearing some animated conversations, with Hannah telling Caserio that he either needs to stop the losses and start making some deals, or Ryans would unleash his patented Tombstone Piledriver and send [Caserio’s] skull, spine and soul deep into the foundations of NRG Stadium.

While Caserio is not one to usually fall prey to threats, as years of Sith training in New England stiffened his resolve, staffers indicated that he assured Ryans that no “Luca Brasi action” was necessary. He was already in talks to replace team shortfalls.

[At this point, a staffer was let into the room to offer testimony to the events that follow]

“So, we lost a DE to Minnesota in Greenard. How ‘bout a replacement DE, from those Vikings, who AVERAGED double-digit sacks for the last 4 full seasons he’s played? Does that work?”

“Now, we lost Cashman, right? Solid LB. Ok, would the top Titans’ LB be a good replacement? Oh, you want some more depth on the defensive line? How ‘bout we sign another BESF…a top DL guy? We get stronger…”

“…and we weaken that stank Strunk’s team in the process. I like your logic, Nick” Hannah opined.

[Ryans] “Smart move, giving me some good defensive guys, and for that, I will spare your soul. However, I still got a quota of pain to issue. Guess I’ll just have to settle for Stone Cold Stunning those two interns for looking at me funny. Come here!!!!”

“NOOOOOO!!!! STOP!!!!! HELP!!! NICK!!! OH [DURGA]!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! [Loud spinal cracks hear on the audio transcript].

“Well, I must admit, you did scare me with the resigning of Eric M****y and Lonnie Johnson. Thought you were gonna bring back Cooks and reboot BO’B 2.0.” Hannah lamented.

“Oh no. No one wants another BO’B.” Caserio noted. “Those guys, just some depth for Ryans and Burke, but mainly taking care of Ross. Gotta solidify those special teams, ya know.”

“Hey, Nick.” A smaller voice [Offensive Coordinator Bobby Slowik] chimed in. “Hey, uh, Nick, you did see where we lost Singletary to the New Jersey Giants, right? I mean, we could probably use another running back that could be kinda good, and you did whiff on Barkley, so…”

[Caserio] “Hey, Coach Ryans! You still need to practice those belly-to-back suplexes? I think Bobby wants a live demonstration.”

[Slowik] “Keep it down!!!! Nick, don’t do that. I nearly got launched out the window last time. I am just saying, we do need to upgrade the running game, right? After all, you had one in New England…”

[Caserio]“I know, I know. Look, I ain’t gonna break the bank for a running back. Let me see if I can work something up…”

A few hours later, Cal McNair stopped by. “I see you talked with Hannah and DeMeco. Looks like it went well. Now, what about that running back?”

[Caserio] “Got him. A Pro-Bowl caliber beast for the price of only a 7th rounder. Gonna extend him for 3 years, but only $13M guaranteed. Should keep Slowik happy.”

“Indeed. Ah, such a joy to have an off-season where we are doing good things, only bringing in players with high upside and absolutely no legal issues. Thank [DURGA] that’s Cleveland’s problem. So, the running back, do I know him?”

“Joe Mixon.”

“Hold on, let me Google something…”

“Oh, sorry, hold on, got the Vikings on the line. Gonna fleece them in another ‘free agent trade.’”

That call may have been one of many where the Vikings managed to finagle the Texans’ 2024 1st Round pick for a package of other draft picks.

“I ain’t gettin’ scooped by those [KITTENS] in the blogosphere again!” Caserio proudly announced. “Especially that one [KITTEN] l4…”

Somehow, our transcripts got cut off in the process of making this article. We did talk to another unnamed staffer about Caserio’s move.

“Honestly, it was all about that 6th rounder. Houston didn’t have one coming into the off-season, and we all know how those New England men value those 6th rounders. I swear, when the Vikings agreed to include the 6th rounder, you could see Caserio mouth “Tooommmmm Braaaaaddddddyyyyyyy” as the information came over email….”

Thus ends the 1st week of Free Agency for Houston. For what appears to be a zero-sum off-season so far, the talent level looks improved. We at Totally Not Fake News cannot think of something that might derail the aura of good feelings that this franchise has engendered these past few months…

Well…I guess…maybe…yeah…eh, remains to be seen.