Three games down, two wins, one loss, and all the emotions
HOUSTON – As the NFL season nears the quarter mark, the parameters of the NFL start to take shape. Teams start to get an idea of what they are, or are not. Granted, fast starts do not equate to great finishes, but some constants start to emerge. Some can be of the good variety. Some…maybe not so great. For the Houston Texans, off to their best start since 2019, it is a mixed bag.
“Hey, a 2-1 start…that is not exactly something we see a lot around here.” A staffer noted matter-of-factly. “I mean, it’s cool and all, not to have a losing start to the season, but honestly, we haven’t exactly been killing it.”
Granted, this conversation happened right after the Texans went into Minnesota and got blasted 34-7. The team hadn’t look that bad since, well, since the playoff game against Baltimore.
“Maybe it is the whole playing against purple thing. I mean we lost both games against Baltimore, who wears purple, and then the ‘Purple Incarnation of Satan,’ ‘The Purple People Eaters’ or whatever the [KITTEN] those Skol chanters call themselves. I mean, we let Sam Darnold beat us! Sam Darnold…who was so bad when he started for the Jets and Panthers, they let him walk away for nothing. He was so bad in Carolina, they thought that Bryce Young would be a better solution…and Darnold sliced and diced us as though he was in a 7-on-7 flag football drill. No, I don’t care that Darnold has a winning record against us. We let that happen. We deserve all of the shame,” lamented another staffer.
While the Texans didn’t exactly dominate in their two early wins at Indianapolis and against Chicago, the blowout against Minnesota seemed to but the breaks on the Super-Bowl-or-Bust optimism permeating the facility.
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“You have to remember that this organization hasn’t seen much success as of late. With all of the turnover, it is a totally new crowd. They’ve only ever known the lows of apathy and suckiness, followed by the joy-ride of last season, when the team defied expectations. We just don’t know how to handle being a good team. How to handle winning games that last year sparked joy but this year lead to only meh. Then to lose a game badly, how do we handle this? For our staffers, this is not an easy thing.” Noted a sage Toro in the midst of a workout.
Photo by Nick Cammett/Diamond Images via Getty Images
However, the lamentations of the front office staff pale in comparison to the tales of woe from the practice fields. The Texans fielded one of their worst on-field performances in the Ryans regime in Minnesota. A key culprit: Multiple penalties, especially pre-snap violations. 3 games into the season, Houston sits at 28 penalties, an average of over 9 a game. Given that the squad logged the 4th most penalties in the league last year, this is a trend item that does not sit well with the team.
In response to this development, Head Coach DeMeco Ryans indicated that the team emphasized discipline, looking to lock down concentration and not give away such free yardage. “15 [KITTEN]ing yards lost, due to pre-snap false starts. Even the bought-and-paid-for officials couldn’t not throw their [KITTEN]ing flags. Can’t leave it up to them. We gonna make sure it doesn’t happen.”
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Toro continued to update us on the status of the Ryans project.
“Coach [Ryans] wasn’t lying about the discipline aspect. Personally threatened to make the next lineman who false started in practice suffer so badly, he would post it to all of their social media feeds. Unfortunately, Tytus Howard committed such a false start. After Coach put him in consecutive Camel Clutches and Sharpshooters, Howards cried and screamed so badly, he had to miss the rest of practice. Well, Ryans is a man of his work, and found a way to post those to his Twitter feed…or was about to, but Howard got the jump and deleted his account. Ryans still put him back in a surfboard, but the point was made. Sure, Tunsil will get most of the attention, but after what happened to Tytus, and Ryans indicating that far worse awaited the next guy, I think that the offensive line got the jist.”
However, the subject of penalties remains a sensitive one. Starting RB Joe Mixon continued to rail against the refs not calling the hip-drop tackle he suffered against the Bears, keeping him out of the Vikings game. “Oh, make it a big emphasis item and all that, but when it happens to me, ignore it completely. What the actual [KITTEN]ing [KITTEN]! What, you gonna only call it when it happens to Ravens players? Oh, I see. I am still getting punished for my Bengals time.”
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Author: Oh, come on, that one was aligned…fine!
We talked to the refs about the amount of flags thrown, and the sense of inconsistency with their actions:
“Look, we have a job to do. We gotta make the calls as we see them. Sure, the game is going at as fast a speed as ever seen, and we are but part-time employees. Actually, we can’t spend that much time in film study, as we are constantly having to work on our arms. I mean, if you want to make it in the NFL, you gotta get those guns. If you ain’t sporting at least 14-inch pythons, you will never work as the head ref.”
Photo by Stephen Maturen/Getty Images
“Still, even with all of that work, we have our own problems. We are throwing so many flags in games, some of our members complain of forearm soreness. Even with those guns, the constant throwing motion of the flags, well, that wears down some of the key ligaments, especially the UCL. Pretty soon, most of our guys will be out for a season or more with Tommy John surgery. Actually, we do look forward to our games in Houston. With everything happening with the baseball team, heard there were some good deals on surgeries to be had down there.”
“Oh, by the way, I just noticed. [WHISTL…(author pulls out machete and menacingly approaches the ref).] Oh, wait, wait, there is no foul on the play for illegal alignment of paragraphs. Continue on…”
Regardless of what happens with the refs, the Texans still find themselves facing a key moment. They play a Jacksonville team embarrassed by a 0-3 start. This could be a game of major desperation. The Texans desperate to avoid a losing streak and the Jags just desperate for a win. Unless we get the hilarious tie, someone leaves Sunday’s matchup in a good mood, and someone does not. For the Texans’ sake, they hope it is the home team, as an enraged Ryans might be too much for even Toro to contain.