Totally Not Fake News: The Houston Texans and the dawn of a new era part III, the second.

The Texans do something new…start camp with the same staff from last year.

HOUSTON – At the time of this writing, the Houston Texans find themselves deep into the daily rhythms of training camp. The first pre-season game is but days away. Yet, with training camp, there is a sense of newness, that the squad will be different from the previous one. Certainly for Houston, the start of training camp usually kicks off the start of a new regime.

“Oh, a new training camp. Welp, guess it is time to print out all of the new signs and update the website bios for the coaches and staff.” A weary, unnamed staffer lamented. “Every year, it seems like we have to do a massive overhaul of the team website, offices and the like. All the new coaches. I mean, it keeps us busy, and our official sign-makers/portrait-takers on retainer just loooovvveee when we call. New products and more money…It never ends.”

So, as the unnamed staffer started to run down the pre-camp checklist “which we made to simplify the process after three straight years of this,” it figured to be the start of a mad dash. Yet, once the staffer started, something curious happened. As our reporter watched the staffer in action, this resulted:

“Ok, so we need the updated bio, head-shot and name plates for the head coach. Ok, you want the name? Yes, the name is DeMeco Ryans. Capital D, lower case e…wait, what do you mean, why am I asking this? Look, we are about to start training camp, and we have to…well, we want the head coach…look, I am trying to get this list completed. We want…what do you mean…well, ok, the head coach last camp was…oh…OH…I see what you mean. Well, we can skip that.”

Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images

[After a minute’s pause]…”Ok, so on to the offensive coordinator. Bobby Slowik. No, it is not Robert, but Bobby. Capital B…uh, what? Again?! [checks notes]. Uh, well, I’ll be…ok, well, we can skip that one as well. Next up, we have the Defensive Coordinator… Matt Burke. Yes, THE Matt Burke. Why the chortle? You are talking about the most interesting…oh…SERIOUSLY!? Ok, well, don’t have to worry about that one as well. Special Teams…Frank Ross…wait a minute…nope, don’t have to do that one either. Quarterbacks Coach, Jerod Johnson…[KITTEN] it!!! Excuse me…I think someone is playing a joke on me. Apologize for taking up your time.”

At this point, the staffer, who hadn’t been in charge of this task last year, made a beeline for the administrative offices.

“What the [KITTEN][KITTEN] do you [KITTENs] think you are doing? You trying to [KITTEN] with me, just because I am the [K]NG?” the staffer roared.

“No, actually. We think very highly of you. We just need you to get things ready for camp. That includes the name plates, coaches’ updates and getting the new playbooks printed.” The supervisor calmly replied.

“You gave me the exact same list as last year!!! You know that I need the updated list! Do you know how [KITTEN]ing embarrassing it was to be on the phone and read out all of the same names as last year,” the staffer roared.

The supervisor countered “No, I did not. I gave you this year’s list. Check the header.”

“So, it says 2024, but it is all the same names from 2023.” The agitated staffer replied.

“Yes. Yes, it is….it…is” A dawning realization hit the supervisor in the course of the reply.

“Wait…did you not realize…that we actually have the same key personnel for this training camp as we did last training camp?” the staffer sheepishly asked.

“I guess….I dunno. I’ve been here for four years, and every year, we’ve always had to update all of these things.” noted the supervisor.

As our reporter observed throughout the offices at NRG, many felt blindsided by the fact that for the first time since 2020, the Texans entered training camp with the same head coach and primary coaching staff from the previous year.

“Really,” said WR Nico Collins, who recalled his first training camp in 2021. “Came into that camp all bright-eyed and just taking in all of the new world for me that was the NFL. Then we hit the next year [2022], and it was a new head coach and a new structure. Then we had last year [2023], with another new head coach and overall new regime. I guess I figured that all training camps were going to be the same, with all new coaches, staff and playbooks. Yet, this year, most of the key things remained the same…well, except for my fat new contract.”

Brett Coomer/Houston Chronicle via Getty Images

Many of the younger players echoed Collins’ view. “[KITTEN], you’re [KITTEN] right!” RB Dameon Pierce noted, “We had Coach Ryans last year, and we got him this year. Same with Coach Slowik. At first, didn’t think about it, but now…yeah, that is very interesting.”

Some more experienced hands took a different approach:

“This is more like what I am used to,” noted long snapper Jon Weeks. “When I first came into the league, we had Coach [Gary] Kubiak and then Coach [Bill] O’Brien. Between the two of them, like my first 10 training camps, it was all the same coaching dudes. That is what I know as a baseline. Sure, for all the younglings out there, they only know a new training camp, a whole new set of coaches. Not anymore.”

“Well, I know that Weeks be all about ancient history, talking about when you had training camps without social media…Look, I’ll never disrespect my elders, but hey, there are some of us who are not shocked about keeping coaching continuity for training camps,” observed starting QB CJ Stroud.

“The only continuity I care about is defending my Training Camp Heavyweight Championship. After what I did to Dalton (Schultz), ain’t no one gonna challenge me so quickly,” noted CB Derek Stingley, Jr.

As for the staffer and supervisor, they did try to salvage the situation. They called up the photographer to see about new photos with the new uniforms. No word if that saved any money for Houston.

“Look, we can say at least we have new uniforms, and new organizational leadership, since Cal is the primary owner now.” The staffer noted.

“Yeah, but he was the CEO before. And for the brains of the operation…remember that Hannah has been making the calls since last season as well.”

Whether the staffer(s) eventually get a clue, Totally Not Fake News will continue its coverage of the Houston Texans as the 2024 preseason progresses.