Not on anyone’s bingo card, but will have some impact on the home games.
HOUSTON – At the time of publication, the Houston Texans’ roster thrash is all but done. This year sees plenty of returning players from last season, but a lot new faces as well. New expectations also follow the team, along with some new uniform designs. In short, a lot of “newness” associated with the Texans.
Yet, there is another new member to the Texans’ family. Unexpected, unplanned, but making its presence felt quickly. Of course, we speak of “The Hole in NRG Stadium Roof” (THINRGR). THINRGR made its debut back in July and continues to maintain its prominence.
“Look, I’m just as surprised as you are that I am here, but new season, new developments, right? The team turning over a new leaf, opening new doors to success, so why wouldn’t you go with a new window of opportunity?”
When our reporter observed that it was not exactly deliberate that THINRG would be a part of the new stadium, THINRGR immediately retorted.
“Did you not hear what I just said about not expecting to be here? Sheesh, maybe you need a new earhole? Anyway, when Beryl came rampaging through here in July, it kinda surprised some people. Take NRG. It’s a pretty sound structure. However, damage, even to NRG, is unavoidable when dealing with hurricane force winds. One minute, I’m just one of many ceiling panels. Now, I am a singular entity that really stands out.”
With THINRGR’s debut, people wondered about its impact on upcoming events at NRG. The stadium planned to host other events aside from Texans’ football. Repairs didn’t figure to happen quickly, and even if GM Nick Caserio could have used the power of his deal-making trigger finger, it wasn’t likely to get fixed in time for the start of the season.
“Well, they could move to fix this faster, but then you have large cranes and equipment on the field disrupting play. Ok, perhaps in 2021/2022, this wouldn’t be an issue. No one was coming to see the Texans anyway. But this season, with all the excitement in 2024? We ain’t Vanderbilt! We can’t have disruptions to our games.” Noted an unnamed staffer.
“I would agree with him, but I think Coach Ryans was disappointed to not have the cranes on the field” noted Toro. “[Ryans] was already scheming with [Defensive Coordinator] Matt Burke on how to leverage the cranes. He had all of these drills planned. Was going to challenge Stroud to try to pass around this big cranes, see if the O-line could actually block the cranes, etc. I think he expected the WRs to practice blocking the cranes, but someone mentioned Tank Dell, and well, that ended quickly. Still, I think [Defensive Coordinator Matt] Burke looks forward to leveraging the sun on defense, especially in the final minutes. What would you expect of the Most Interesting Defensive Coordinator in the World?”
Photo by Leslie Plaza Johnson/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images
“Still, I think that Ryans likes the idea of THINRGR.” Toro continued. “Introduces an element of difficulty. He’s been harping about making a tougher team, always practicing in the high heat, complaining when the temps fell below 100. Wants tough fans too. The dome with the a/c was a little too comfortable. Well, in the two home preseason games, the internal temps went from like 69 to 80…I think he would have also preferred 95, but he’ll take what he can get. Tough players, tough fans, tough stadium.”
When asked about Ryans’ and Toro’s comments, THINRGR replied:
“Well, I get Ryans wanting to leverage me to help with his toughness angle, but I think I can offer more specific support. Consider the special teams. [I’m] helping Fairbarin target the landing zone for the new kickoffs. Oh, and when there is brutal weather outside and you get that cartoonish style rain coming in, how the team will alter its possessions to account for the weather? In the fourth quarter, if a team is looking to kick the game-tying/winning FG, imaging them setting up in a dry portion of the field, but kicking through a wall of water?!?! [Special Teams Coordinator Frank] Ross always jumps for joy thinking about that.”
“Yet, I’m more than just some home-field gimmick. Think of the advertising. With venture capitalists now allowed to get in on the NFL ownership game, surely they can see the investment potential. Imagine…THINRGR, brought to you by Blackstone, Deloitte, or Centerpoint Energy…wait, strike that last one. They don’t need them to sponsor [KITTEN]!. Still, the money…”
When asked, the McNairs didn’t comment, but sources indicated Cal and Hannah did discuss marketing opportunities.
THINRGR continued:
“Ya know, not everyone is a fan of me. The CB Boyd was livid, blaming me for letting the sun in to distract him when he let that Giants receiver burn him like toast on that one play. I told him he still made the team, so shut the [KITTEN] up!. Some viewers whined about the light impacting the TV graphics. I tell them that if they ain’t tough enough to watch the game when it is on my side of the field, they ain’t tough enough for Coach Ryans. Oh, and yes, I’ve already heard it from fans from Arlington/Irving, that I am just a poor man’s copy of the “hole in the roof” where “God could watch his favorite team.” I, of course, gently reminded them that a) God doesn’t need a hole in the roof to watch you idiots…God gifted us TV and b) During that time, God was too busy helping his ‘real’ team in the 1970s, the Pittsburgh Steelers.”
Photo by Drew Hallowell/Getty Images
There was some further discussion on safety.
“Look, I know that there’ve been safety concerns but honestly, I am the best thing for safety. Yeah, yeah, lightning, but I am a much needed pressure value. Have you considered what will be put on the field this season for Houston? Stroud, Tunsil, Diggs, Anderson Dell, Ryans, Toro and Matt Burke… in those new uniforms when the games count? No structure on earth can contain that level of awesome!!!” Consider me actually a major safety feature.”
Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images
Time will tell if THINRGR will have the expected impact on the game. We thanked him for his time, even as he kept badgering us to contact Courtney Love to bring her band down for a performance. Until then, we will wait and watch. While the season starts September 8, THINRGR won’t make his official debut until Week 2 on NBC against Chicago. We all can’t wait, or so we told THINRGR.