Hair of the Dog: Week 3, Houston Texans @ Jacksonville Jaguars

We all totally saw this coming.

Well, that went exactly like we all figured it would, didn’t it? The Houston Texans came into the Jacksonville Jaguars game with a five-game road winning streak and winners of eight of their last nine road matchups with the Jags. Never mind the Jags were strong favorites. Never mind that Jacksonville was coming into the season as heavy favorite to repeat as AFC South champions and that many felt that the Jaguars were poised to make some legitimate noise in the AFC come playoff time. Well, they may yet fulfill all of those promises, but on this day, the natural order reasserted itself, as Houston, the less-talented and injury-depleted squad, walked into Jacksonville and left with their usual win.

Of course, there is a bit of tongue-in-cheek language there. Still, Houston put together one of the better offensive performances in recent memory. Stroud seems to be improving week-to-week, and the rapport with the receiving corps is offering some quality, exciting football. The offensive line is still a work in progress, and the defensive interior for the Texans does not appear to exist. Oh, and in case you think that special teams aren’t all that significant to a team’s success, just compare and contrast the Jags special teams with the Frank Ross-led unit in Houston.

As always, your Battle Red Masthead had their real-time takes on this game, as well as action across the league. Throw in our usual shoutout to our “unofficial” sponsor, Bartesian, along with some new SyFy Channel movie ideas, and you have a completely entertaining afternoon for your Texans. As per standards (yes, we actually have those here), all questionable words have been edited for reading in more “professional” environments. With that, on to the ‘Dog:

HAIR OF THE DOG, VOL 21, ISSUE 3: HOUSTON TEXANS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

vballretired

This week three matchup is brought to you by #Bartesian. When seemingly half of your roster is on the IR and the other half isn’t quite ready for prime time you can lean on Bartesian instead. Whiskey, rum, gin, tequila, vodka? They have mixtures for all those spirits and more. Get blitzed while your quarterback gets plummeled behind a makeshift offensive line. Just don’t drink and drive please. Allow Bartesian to put the gentle sleeper hold on your day like the Jaguars will do to the Texans.

l4blitzer

#Bartesian might really be doing some great business this week in Houston, with the Texans imitating the Ravens by being the Walking Wounded (just not as talented), and the Astros doing their Interpretive Dance baseball-style of the Chernobyl meltdown…and then we have the Rockets…yeah, #Bartesian, plenty of market opportunities here.

vballretired

Yeah it’s been a pure kitten show

Patrick

Just saw the injured list. I’m going back to bed (for about an hour).

vballretired

Any new names?

Ok, noticed basically our starting secondary minus Ward and Nelson. Can we give this group a new nickname? I’m thinking toast and bacon.

Patrick

And the offensive line is Shaq Mason and Larry, Darryl and his other brother Darryl.

For those of you under the age of 50, Larry, Darryl and his other brother Darryl are recurring characters in an 80s sitcom called Newhart.

vballretired

If any of us are missing from the chat they may be starting at left guard.

vballretired

I remember them well

Patrick

I was like 8 when that show went off the air.

vballretired

I think I was 12 or 13

I’m in one of those survival pools. One could simply pick the Texans opponent and probably get through week five or six

Then switch to Arizona after that.

Patrick

Last year my friend was in a survivor pool and he picked the Texans on one of the three games they won that year.

I haven’t heard the end of it since.

vballretired

Yeah, I’m probably not doing well because I’m picking the obvious winners too early.

Here is your obligatory hypocrisy moment when the NFL ties itself to the multibillion dollar gambling industry and yet suspends players if they gamble on the Ryder Cup or random Neckcar event.

Patrick

The Browns are threatening to void Deshaun Watson’s guaranteed money if he keeps getting on-field penalties.

Like REALLY?! THAT’s your line in the sand??

l4blitzer

I think the Browns are more ticked about giving him the guaranteed money than any off-field baggage.

vballretired

Wait what? You can do that? Kittens, couldn’t we have found something in Name Redacted 1.0’s contract?

Maybe an unexplained suck clause

Patrick

I suspect they can’t but also, they didn’t fully guarantee [UNPERSON 1.0]’s contract either, I think.

l4blitzer

While I am expecting a lot of pain for the Texans, especially after seeing the injury report, how “Texans” would it be to do what they always do…win at Jacksonville. Even in these suck seasons, they haven’t lost at Jacksonville since 2017…IIRC

vballretired

I oddly think that’s one of two possible outcomes. It’s Texans win or Jags cover. Nothing in between.

Patrick

Oh, they’d void it if he got suspended for on-field [KITTEN].

vballretired

Now I’m thinking about Bearscquatch.

I pitched Bearvalanche to the Syfy network but they didn’t bite.

Patrick

Last night I had an idea for a movie a la Snakes on a Plane.

Bees in the White House.

Copyright copyright copyright

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That’s a winner

Patrick

And here we go.

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Texans with the ball first

l4blitzer

you sure that ScFI channel hasn’t already done that…

HOU POSSESSION

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Snakequake?

Patrick

Anacondor

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Well kittens, this could get ugly quick

Patrick

Half anaconda, half condor.

vballretired

Well they’ve done half mantis half man so….

l4blitzer

Anacondor vs. 3-headed sharknado octopus?

Patrick

That was a quick three and out.

vballretired

And we go three and out. David Culley’s sick perverted dream scenario

Patrick

THAT was a penalty?

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15 yarder

What a crock of kittens

Patrick

What, is he supposed to violate the fundamental laws of physics to avoid the flag there, ref?

vballretired

It was unexplained additional competence. That’s an automatic.

JAX POSSESSION

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Ok, nice Anderson flash

I think Radiohead sang a song about our secondary

“I wish I was special…..”

Patrick

LOLOLOLOLOL

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Field goal pushed out to the right. I’ve hit wedges like that.

Patrick

I mean I’ll take it but, whoo they got into FG range real easy there.

l4blitzer

Jags gonna Jag…and the Urbz still cheers

Patrick

Man, I forgot he was an NFL coach for a hot minute.

JACKSONVILLE MISSES THE 48 YARD FG. HOU POSSESSION

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Grayland Arnold busting into “what in the [KITTEN] am I doing here? I don’t belong here.”

Nice catch and run by Pierce

Patrick

Might be the only way he gets yards this week.

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It’s a first down!!!!!!!!!

Patrick

WE DID IT!

And it was a run play!

Kenneth L.

alright boys lets ride

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Tank!!!!!!!!!!!!

Patrick

TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNK!

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Touchdown Pierce!!!!!!!!

Patrick

Holy [KITTEN], we have a lead.

l4blitzer

Well, well, well…the Texans remember that they can have success in Jacksonville

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Texans 7, Jags 0

Kenneth L.

Gorgeous catch by tank dell. Great protection

PIERCE WITH THE ONE YARD TD RUSH: HOU 7 – JAX 0; 7:35, FIRST QUARTER

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The Buffs are going to get bum rushed

Patrick

You mean again?

Kenneth L.

Offense with a fantastic start. Great to see the offense call a play like that

vballretired

Yup

JAX POSSESSION

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All hail all penalty defense

Patrick

The thing I’m noticing, even if it’s only been two games, these have been relatively well coached games by DeMeco.

l4blitzer

Jacksonville doing classic Jacksonville things

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They do the little things better. Steichen outcoached him last week but that could happen to anyone.

l4blitzer

But then the Jags remember that this is 2023, not 2021

Patrick

But I’m thinking back to the old BOB days where we’d all be screaming “what the [KITTEN] are you doing?” about twice a game.

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Twice a quarter

Patrick

Dude slipped.

l4blitzer

The Jags turf is working for us?

HOU POSSESSION

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It’s like my off-season mantra “do the next obvious thing.” DeMeco just does that. We spent far too long be too clever by half. Just do the obvious thing.

l4blitzer

Occam’s Razor…just way to obvious for some people

Dolphins blasting the Broncos right now

Do I really want the Browns to beat the BE-SFs? Tough situation here.

vballretired

That’s the Patriots South Motto “Do something that’s says I’m smarter than you and look like an idiot somehow.”

l4blitzer

….and the Texans playing to their 2020s form…False start to start the possession

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Here comes the offense

Ok, I’m liking it

l4blitzer

Woods catching the football…

Patrick

I feel like the only ethical answer to this is no. Bud Adams and the tacks are gross but giving Watson all that money despite the awful stuff he’s done, you have to have some next-level evil in you for that.

vballretired

Who could imagine it’d take a Noah Brown injury to open up the passing game.

l4blitzer

Metchie…nice play….and it was when the game is still in the balance.

Patrick

That was impressive, they almost got positive yards on what should’ve been a sack.

vballretired

Looks like a punt

Pressure too much for Stroud

l4blitzer

Ah…the simple things…like having only ONE guy in motion before the snap.

vballretired

We have a frickin backup punter. Our punter is still injured. How Texans is that?

l4blitzer

Ah, but we have Frank Ross…that will make up for it.

JAX POSSESSION

vballretired

We will be the first team to put coaches on IR. I don’t know how but we will find a way.

l4blitzer

…and the Patriots offense looking like peak BO’B offense…which is considered an improvement over Judge/Patricia?

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Oh [KITTEN] yes!

l4blitzer

A Jimmie Ward sighting…imagine if we could get a fully healthy secondary?

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Here goes the run defense

l4blitzer

Instead…we get Eric M****y

Yep…our run defense can’t shake 2022

FIRST QUARTER COMPLETE: HOU 7 – JAX 0.

SECOND QUARTER

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It’s Groundhog Day

Patrick

Wow, that was a nice grab by Greenard there.

l4blitzer

Magic Johnson at a Commanders’ game. I know he is part owner, but that feels so weird.

l4blitzer

Need more of that from Greenard, et al.

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Here goes the neighborhood

l4blitzer

Ware comparing that tackle to a mom grabbing at toddler in the grocery store.

Patrick

You ever see the opposing team line up to run and know with absolute certainty that they’re about to get a very easy first down?

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Ugggg

l4blitzer

Texans run _efense at work (TM)

Patrick

Ridley hurt.

Looks like it’s his knee.

l4blitzer

Sam Howell of the Commanders with a Steve Young-esque run there…impressive

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Another fourth down

Will Anderson!!!!!!!!!!

Patrick

Will the [KITTEN] Thrill Anderson!

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Anderson blocks the field goal. Jags move it at will and walk away with no points.

HOU BLOCKS THE 51 YARD FG. ANDERSON RECOVERS IN JAX TERRITORY. HOU POSSESSION

Interesting flip pass by Tua for a shovel pass TD

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Pierce with the strong carry

Patrick

Saw somewhere that if Stroud throws for 347 yards today, he’ll tie the rookie record for yardage in back to back games.

l4blitzer

Saints trouncing the Packers

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It will be a happy home here

Patrick

Mrs. UT is overjoyed right now.

l4blitzer

Wow…ex-Baltimore team now tied with the current Baltimore team…

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This offensive game plan is 600 percent better than the last two weeks

Patrick

Sigh…the offense giveth, the offense taketh.

Kenneth L.

This drive making me squeal

l4blitzer

Another false start…the classic “Everyone but the center” call

Kenneth L.

andddddd another penalty

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They are looking better than I expected

l4blitzer

Nice field awareness by Stroud on the bootleg

Patrick

That makes sense.

l4blitzer

Like the smart QB-ing

Kenneth L.

Look at him!!

Patrick

BREVIN JORDAN!

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Mr. December with the touchdown!!!!!!!!

Patrick

I feel an overwhelming need to write an apology post to C.J. Stroud for ever doubting him during the draft because he went to Ohio State.

STROUD TO JORDAN WITH THE 5 YARD TD: HOU 14 – JAX 0; 7:27, SECOND QUARTER

Kenneth L.

LETS RIDE. LETS RIDE YEHAW M[K]’ers LETS RIDE

l4blitzer

Well, as long as Stroud doesn’t have to face the Khaki [DURGA] Jim Harbaugh, he will be fine

Kenneth L.

wow prove me wrong Brevin Jordan

My toes are numb

Patrick

Take off your shoes.

vballretired

This coaching staff deserves kudos but they are still fighting with a sling shot against a Gatling gun

l4blitzer

Uh, the current Colts are, like, back in the red zone against the Ravens…sheesh

vballretired

They going with Minshew magic?

JAX POSSESSION

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A Jerry Hughes sighting

Patrick

They have to, Richardson’s still hurt I think.

l4blitzer

MOAR flags for Houston

Patrick

Okay, I’m definitely more pumped about the offense than the defense right now.

vballretired

I’m amazed at how much they are moving the ball and still have nothing

Patrick

That said, Etienne is doing wonders for my BRB fantasy team.

vballretired

You mean OUR team

Patrick

Right, our team. Sorry about that.

l4blitzer

Well, this would be the ultimate definition of “bend but don’t break” giving up all these yards and TOP, but no points

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This is nuts. They just seem to make unforced errors

l4blitzer

At this point, the Jags should just hand off only…not seeing our D stopping their run anytime soon.

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Another fourth down

Patrick

Uh oh, Griffin hurt.

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Shaq Griffin now hurt

Patrick

Well that was just a matter of time.

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The IPhone keyboard makes typing hard

Patrick

Tell me about it.

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Key penalty forces the punt

l4blitzer

Ponies with one of the stranger 4th down sequences I’ve seen in recent memory…FG formation, followed by rapid substitution to get the offense back on the field, but the refs holding up play so that Baltimore can sub, and then a delay of game on the Ponies

Jags out-Texansing the Texans here

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That sounds familiar

HOU POSSESSION

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So, gonna check the fridge for leftovers at the half. Rooting for steak.

Patrick

There’s a fight at the Jags/Texans game.

What the [KITTEN] is going on with all these fights in the stands all of a sudden?

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Third false start

l4blitzer

I think the Washington Post did a whole article on all the fighting…getting to that level

vballretired

When you mix alcohol and confusion you get this. Throw in Florida and it’s a given

l4blitzer

All the False Starts…and they said that Tunsil wasn’t playing

Patrick

Yeah, but this also happened at the Giants/49ers game Thursday and someone was literally killed at the Pats game last week.

vballretired

Decent play there

vballretired

Well Boston….but I got nothing on San Francisco

Patrick

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

l4blitzer

X.com….sorry, that feels like one of those sites you need to block from school/work access.

Patrick

It’s so [DURGA][KITTEN] stupid.

l4blitzer

Welp, the defense with another chance to excel coming right up.

vballretired

Seen the Jim Marshall safety on NFL films?

Patrick

Much like its owner.

JAX POSSESSION

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That Watson play reminded me of that Marshall play

Patrick

It reminds me of that Florida State/Oregon playoff game a few years back where Jameis Winston threw the ball in the complete wrong direction.

vballretired

Maybe a Billy Joe Tolliver play as an Oiler

Patrick

[DURGA], Stroud’s only 21. I forget that and I feel like my teeth are gonna fall out every time I’m reminded.

l4blitzer

Cleveland, why did you pay someone $220M for that? Could’ve saved the money and keep any other QB to do THAT

vballretired

This is comical on a certain level yet scary. Jacktown had to wake up at some point right?

l4blitzer

Are the Jags trying the same game plan they did against the Chargers in the playoffs?

Patrick

Awwww, that’s so sweet of the Jags to give back the yards we just coughed up on that last penalty.

l4blitzer

MOAR flags on Houston

vballretired

Unfortunately I got stuck with Massage Boy on my Yahoo team

Patrick

Yuck.

l4blitzer

Refs gonna need some icy hot for their arms at halftime

vballretired

Richardson is my other QB so……

Patrick

Oooof.

vballretired

Have great backs and receivers though

l4blitzer

Uh, we are aware this is a contact sport, right? Need to tackle, right?

TWO MINUTE WARNING

vballretired

When Gordon Ramsey goes Fox might as well fold up shop

Patrick

Hell’s Kitchen: The American Dream. It’s the American Dream to have a [kitten]ed off Scotsman screaming at you for hours on end while you try to make an omelet?

l4blitzer

Radio hyping up next week’s game against the Steelers

Kenneth L.

The jags are over committed to the run. Their stats department really took over

Patrick

Okay, that was [KITTEN]ing comical.

vballretired

That was an insane play

Kenneth L.

Hahah Hell’s Kitchen is the consummate tv show

vballretired

It’s raw!!!!!!!!

Patrick

The American Dream is for me to call myself an idiot sandwich while said angry Scotsman holds two pieces of bread up on either side of my head.

vballretired

Look at Steven Nelson

Patrick

Steven Nelson did a thing!

vballretired

Either fourth down or Texans ball

Patrick

That’s gotta be a fumble, right?

l4blitzer

Definitely beeeennnnnndddddd but don’t break going on here.

vballretired

I just don’t know anymore

Patrick

Wooooooooooooo! Texans ball!

HOU WITH THE FUMBLE RECOVERY, COURTESY OF ERIC M——Y, YES, THAT ERIC M——Y. HOU BALL

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That was weird

Patrick

That should’ve been pass interference.

Holding at the very least.

vballretired

Dalton Schultz welcome to the game

l4blitzer

Time for mercy rules in Miami right now

Patrick

C’mon call time.

vballretired

First down!!!!!!!

Patrick

Bloody hell I just saw the MIA-DEN score, you weren’t kidding L4.

vballretired

Rare bad pass from Stroud

Nico!!!!!!!!!

l4blitzer

Nice, and immediately take the TO…kinda smart playing here.

That is not a common thing

Around here

vballretired

17-0 at the half in front of friends and family

HOU WITH THE 28 YARD FG TO END THE HALF: HOU 17 – JAX 0

HALFTIME REACTIONS

Patrick

And good coaching too. Imagine if that had happened during the BOB era. I’m not even going to bring up Culley or Lovie because you just expected them to screw up clock management.

Kenneth L.

We made a team boo!

vballretired

Okay, this one shocks me. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. It feels like the Jags are moving it at will and somehow haven’t scored. Great halves from Stroud and Anderson. I’m worried about the second half if the jags ever remember they are the better team.

Patrick

This is, without a doubt, the best offensive performance I’ve seen from this team in literally years. And the defense hasn’t been pretty but they’ve kept the Jags out of the end zone the entire half.

What I want to see NOW, is how they adjust going into the second half because that was always the problem with Texans teams of the past, they’d have one good half and then after that came question marks.

l4blitzer

Well, one should be incredibly cautious where the Texans and leads are concerned. However, the offense is doing the work, especially Stroud and his receivers. The defense is defining bend but don’t break. Even the special teams are positively contributing here. Still, this game is as much about Jacksonville errors as it is Houston actions. The Jags will come out ticked off. Houston will need to be smart if they want to leave Jax with their 6th straight [road] win there [Ed note: The 2019 “road” game was in London]

Saints still hurting the Packers

l4blitzer

….and looks like we might have a QB change for New Orleans in Green Bay

Not great kick coverage there.

SECOND HALF BEGINS. JAX POSSESSION

THIRD QUARTER

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Jags moving it at will

Patrick

Has anyone heard what the status is for Shaq Griffin?

vballretired

I thought he went back in

l4blitzer

Think Dabo Swinney is watching this game and longing for Lawrence and Etinnie right now?

Patrick

I didn’t see him so I wasn’t sure.

l4blitzer

Ouch time…but the Jags Jag-ing, so that helped…for now

Nice tackle on Engram

vballretired

This is just so bizarre

False start

You can make these kittens up

l4blitzer

And the refs must have stretched out their arms, ‘cause they are once again busy

Patrick

Well [KITTEN].

vballretired

Interference on Ward

l4blitzer

Ibid

vballretired

Terrible kitteny call

Patrick

Well there it is.

vballretired

And now they score

l4blitzer

Jersey grab…they will call that.

Patrick

This felt too easy.

BIGSBY WITH THE ONE-YARD TD: HOU 17 – JAX 7; 11:17, THIRD QUARTER

vballretired

It’s been that way whole game except for the whole shooting the foot thing

l4blitzer

Harris going on about the size of Bigbsy, but honestly, the size doesn’t matter. It is the fact that the Texans still have an allergy to stopping the run….or something like that.

vballretired

Oh kittens

HOU POSSESSION

Patrick

Thanks for nothing Fant.

vballretired

A tale of two halves

Ok, that will work

Patrick

That…that was a really smart effective play.

Are we SURE these are the Texans?

vballretired

Then there’s that

l4blitzer

Nah, Fant just wanted to help out the offensive stats.

Patrick

Never mind. Asked and answered.

vballretired

[KITTEN] Nico

Patrick

Collins, ya gotta hold onto that

l4blitzer

Wonder if Pierce is just impacted by the Oline struggles

vballretired

Yup

Patrick

That punt was all [KITTEN].

What’s Shane Lechler up to?

vballretired

And hot dogs

l4blitzer

Maybe this is the same strategery that the Jags used in the Wild Card playoff game

JAX POSSESSION

Kenneth L.

We are going to blow this aren’t we?

l4blitzer

We are Texans fans…so, yeah, there are favorable odds that said outcome will happen.

vballretired

Of course they will

We can’t have nice things

My goal? Make it to the fourth quarter tied or in the lead

Patrick

My goal is to get in shape. I bet mine happens first.

vballretired

That’s a variable absolute

Patrick

[DURGA], the Astros are down 6-2 to the [KITTEN]ing Royals.

They don’t deserve the playoffs this year.

vballretired

Don’t look

l4blitzer

Chernobyl…baseball style

vballretired

It’s actually more those gifs were the bike just completely falls apart

l4blitzer

Jags matriculating that ball down the field…this time with the pass

vballretired

Third down

Fourth down

Kenneth L.

The defense is starting to break a bit

vballretired

Field goal

Kenneth L.

Stressing

vballretired

17-10 Texans

This has a January 2020 feel to it

MCMANNUS WITH THE 33 YARD FG: HOU 17 – JAX 10; 4:34, 3RD

Kenneth L.

They are slowly getting back into it

A TD is needed

vballretired

What in the hell was that [KITTEN] (done in Krusty the clown voice)—-NFL commercial commentary

HOUSTON WITH THE 85 YARD KICKOFF RETURN FOR THE TD BY ANDREW BECK: HOU 24 – JAX 10; 4:19 THIRD QUARTER

Patrick

WPOIEHFAS;ODLIFNWR;OGTIHNV;LWEJNTFWPVMWRLRGFIGNW’PFPIAWINMNF

vballretired

Holy kittens! That didn’t just happen did it?

Special teams really are special today

Andrew Beck on the weirdest kickoff return for a TD you will ever see

Kenneth L.

LETS RIDE THATS INCREDIBLE

GOOSEBUMPS

RUMBLE YOUNG MAN RUMBLE

vballretired

Him with that blazing 5.3 40 yard speed

l4blitzer

And the defense got all of…5 seconds of game rest time (pending the kick-off), and maybe 5-ish minutes of actual rest…my Houston “positively” coming through

Kenneth L.

Sweet lord I am hyped

Patrick

A fullback with a kick return for a TD. Now I’ve seen it all.

l4blitzer

Horrific special teams tackling on that kick off return

vballretired

Lineman would be awesome

l4blitzer

Frank Ross would never tolerate that kind of performance

At least our defense is not a poor as Denver’s…yuck

vballretired

Jags ST coordinator out in the concussion protocol after banging his head on a wall

Griffin in on the tackle (answering an earlier question)

Titans laying an egg

l4blitzer

Could the Texans only get one possession in the 3rd quarter, and still hold a lead?

Patrick

The first kick return for the Texans in almost three years.

vballretired

Jags only cut three points into the lead

Patrick

I’ve been laughing for five solid minutes just watching that Beck run.

vballretired

Nice tackle by Ward

l4blitzer

Radio question: Who is the most unusual Texan to ever score a TD?

vballretired

Jags are Jagging now

Patrick

Could it be JJ’s TD pass?

vballretired

Blake Cashman!!!!!!!!

Patrick

Blake Cashman is having a [KITTEN] day.

CASHMAN WITH THE INT: HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

Andrew Beck should only be in to score touchdowns

l4blitzer

Ok…disregard the previous question about only one possession in the quarter

Kenneth L.

WOW

vballretired

Nice play there

Kenneth L.

Lawrence looks horrific

vballretired

Flag down

l4blitzer

Cashman more like a goalie making that pick

vballretired

First down!!!!!!!!!!

Tank Dell is the man

l4blitzer

Meanwhile, Baltimore in a dogfight with the ex-Baltimore team

vballretired

Mr. December!

Patrick

Brevin Jordan caught a second pass? Can he do that?

Kenneth L.

Dang that offense thooooo

l4blitzer

Jags really have some sort of block against Houston when they play in Jacksonville….kinda like how Jacksonville owned the Colts

Texans matriculating that ball down the field

vballretired

And before Thanksgiving

Kenneth L.

We poppin off

vballretired

Or poopin off

END OF THIRD QUARTER: HOU 24 – JAX 10…YES, THAT IS THE ACTUAL SCORE…REPEAT, THAT IS THE CORRECT, TOTALLY FACTUAL SCORE

FOURTH QUARTER

vballretired

Almost

l4blitzer

Incomplete, but nice pocket movement by Stroud

Patrick

The Andrew Beck TD, summarized in gif form.

l4blitzer

Well, we are playing the ‘kitties”

HOU TIMEOUT

vballretired

First down

l4blitzer

Meanwhile, the Bills are making the Commanders’ fans think that Snyder still owns the team

vballretired

Roll that clock

Ultra conservative playcalling here

l4blitzer

Pierce just can’t bust it loose here.

vballretired

Flag down

Hawaiian time

l4blitzer

Not shocked on the hold there, especially with our line right now

vballretired

Yeah, really smart play from Stroud. Don’t force anything

FAIRBAIRN WITH THE 26 YARD FG: HOU 27 – JAX 10; 12:36, FOURTH QUARTER

vballretired

I wrote for a site that actually had us place the bet we were recommending. They set up an account at DraftKings

l4blitzer

While I would rather the TD, there has to be something psychologically draining to the Jags, who mostly dominated the 3rd quarter, cutting the lead to 7, only for Houston to completely erase their second half gains early in the 4th.

Patrick

Oh that’s wild.

vballretired

It was at a minimum level in the days where they were purely daily fantasy

l4blitzer

Didn’t expect Baltimore to have this much trouble with the Colts today

Meanwhile, the Browns/Elves punishing the BE-SFs something fierce

JAX POSSESSION

vballretired

The Colts are a good team when they don’t have a geezer quarterbacking for them

l4blitzer

One could argue that Rivers wasn’t that bad for them.

vballretired

No but they were a good team. Just not great

Patrick

Whew, that was a throwdown on Ridley there.

They’re ballhawking now.

l4blitzer

Our pass _efense playing to form right now

vballretired

They will outgain us by a ton today

Touchdown Jags

Patrick

[KIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNN!]

l4blitzer

Ok Houston, when you play bend but don’t break…you aren’t supposed to break

vballretired

Seeing the attendance in Jacktown is as depressing as a Sylvia Plath novel

LAWRENCE WITH THE 32 YARD TD PASS TO KIRK: HOU 27 – JAX 17; 10:40; 4th

vballretired

Ok, need one of those fifteen play drives

l4blitzer

Good grief…you can’t leave Kirk THAT wide open…he doesn’t have COVID, right?

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

Kittens that was a helluva run for one yard

Patrick

Hell that wide open he better have leprosy.

vballretired

Nice run by Pierce again

l4blitzer

This is where Pierce’s ferocity will help

TANK DELL WITH THE 68 YARD TD RECEPTION: HOU 34 – JAX 17; 8:59, FOURTH QUARTER

vballretired

Tank!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Patrick

I am going to love this combination for years and years and years.

l4blitzer

Nice celebration by Stout in Baltimore. Hitting a wedge to place the punt inside the Pony 2

Either you kill clock…or you kill the will and morale to fight.

vballretired

Holy Kittens that was awesome

Kenneth L.

LETS GOOOOOOOO

I can’t feel my face

vballretired

Let’s [KITTEN]ing go!!!!!!!!!

Is this really happening or did I hit the Bartesian too hard?

l4blitzer

Killing your opponent’s will to fight via the air…that’s like Douhet-level doctrine by the Texans right here.

vballretired

I was hoping for a long drive but [KITTEN] I’ll take the points

Patrick

This is turning into a slugout.

No, not Etienne, my (our) fantasy team!

vballretired

To’oto’to’o with about 120 tackles

l4blitzer

As many tackles as apostrophes in his name

vballretired

He might be the new Unspellable

l4blitzer

Perhaps, but he is doing a bit more on the field as opposed to the other unspellable

vballretired

Unspellable

Patrick

Henry “Toots” T’ooT’oo

vballretired

Roll that clock

l4blitzer

Remember when he was quite the LB for Tennessee (Vols). Hated to see him transfer to Bama

vballretired

Intended for Jane Cheerleader

Patrick

C’mon intentional grounding.

vballretired

Intentional grounding

Patrick

Yes [DURGA].

vballretired

Fourth and Forever

l4blitzer

Meanwhile, the BO’B offensive super-duper game plan only has the Patriots up 3 late in the 4th

vballretired

They are going for it. 28 yards to go

Patrick

They’re down 17, they have to.

vballretired

Turnover on downs

l4blitzer

Well, down 17…at this point in the game…gotta. Pray the textbook H-town pass interference…or not

vballretired

Take a knee boys

l4blitzer

Patriot defense just added a safety to pad the BO’B stats

Wow…classic Baltimore tied with current Baltimore

TURNOVER ON DOWNS. HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

Singletary with some muscle

Patrick

I swear by the old football [DURGA]s and the new, if ever there comes out news about Stroud that he did stuff that was on par with the alleged sex criminal who used to be our quarterback, I may have a nervous breakdown. I love this kid.

Kenneth L.

Love to hear that CJ is simply a baller

vballretired

Yeah there’s something about him

l4blitzer

Isn’t Stroud in a relationship right now? If nothing else, would remove some of the temptations that felled the last Great Franchise QB Hope

vballretired

But he supposedly had a gf too

Patrick

Beats me, I just can’t deal with that kind of heartbreak again. Also, being in a relationship is no guarantee of anything.

vballretired

Yup

l4blitzer

Well, so long as Stroud has the right support structure so that he avoids temptations…that will only increase if he keeps playing like this.

vballretired

However he’s also different football wise. He studies more and works more

l4blitzer

Steady diet of Singletary here…I am good with that type of play-calling

HOU TIMEOUT

vballretired

It’s Hawaii time

37-17

FAIRBAIRN WITH THE 33 YARD FG: HOU 37 – JAX 17; 2:10, FOURTH QUARTER

vballretired

Oh kittens, the Saints are now losing

l4blitzer

FYI, the Jags have 30 more yards of total offense, and have actually won the time of possession

Guess it all turned when Carr left the game

JAX POSSESSION

vballretired

Ins and Outs will be fun this week

TWO MINUTE WARNING

l4blitzer

Jags in surrender offense. Houston all but [KITTEN]ured its 5th straight win in Jacksonville

vballretired

Jameis Winston is a cautionary tale

l4blitzer

Tucker was actually short on a 61-yard FG to win the game. It is more shocking that he was short on such a kick

vballretired

Wow

It’s official. DeMeco is on the board

l4blitzer

Miami putting 70 on Denver…how much are the Broncos taking home for playing this game at Miami…

vballretired

I am absolutely shocked. I never thought we had this kind of game in us yet.

Patrick

HOW DO YOU SCORE 70 IN AN NFL GAME?!?!

FINAL: HOU 37 – JAX 17: DEMECO RYANS WITH HIS FIRST WIN AS HEAD COACH. HOUSTON PETITIONING THE NFL TO PLAY MORE OF ITS GAMES IN JACKSONVILLE

l4blitzer

Haven’t heard of that since the Bears put 73 on the Washington (then ethnic slurs)…back in the heyday of George Halas

GAME BALLS:

• Andrew Beck: When you, as a fullback, turn a potentially embarrassing muff of a kickoff into a highlight-reel 85 yard kickoff return for a touchdown that effectively ended Jacksonville’s comeback effort, you are most assuredly going to get a game from HOTD. Additional shoutout to Frank Ross, perhaps the best Special Teams coach in the league. While the squad was not perfect (relying on a backup punter, giving up a disconcerting kickoff return to Jacksonville to start the second half), the Texans’ special teams unit did its part in winning the game against the Jags. 19 points (kickoff TD, 3 x FGs, 4 x XPs) contributed, and throw in a massive FG block by Will Anderson, Jr, and that is 22 points worth of contributions by special teams. They matter.
• Texans’ offensive line: This is graded on a curve, but with four projected starters out, to include LT Laremy Tunsil, Stroud seemed in for another long day at the office. However, in pass protection, the Jags pass rush did not log a single sack. While the team didn’t get much going on the ground, and Stroud was especially nimble in the pocket, the O-line held a dangerous Jags pass rush to a mere four QB hits. That is not nothing.

SHOULD BE FORCED TO DRINK UNFILTERED WATER FROM THE ST. JAMES RIVER WHILE WATCHING HIGHLIGHTS OF THE ASTROS’ RECENT HOME SERIES AGAINST THE ROYALS:

• Texans’ defensive tackles: While the team won, the weakest part of the team was the defense, as Jacksonville outgained Houston in total yards. Houston once again surrendered over 100 yards rushing. Travis Etienne was gashing the Texans run-defense, and Tank Bigsby was living up to his name (although he would be only the second-best Tank on the field). A big reason why is that the defensive interior of the Texans was not really doing all that much to hinder the Jags rush attack. That Jacksonville didn’t rush for more yards was mainly due to the strength of the offense and special teams forcing the Jags to abandon the run in the second half. Ryans and Burke will work to mitigate those issues, and it is early, but a major need for Houston in the near-future will be shoring up that interior of the line. Otherwise, the team will continue to struggle to handle the run.
• Jacksonville special teams: While I don’t normally pile on to the other side, the Jags special teams did so much to cost them a winnable game against Houston. While Beck’s kickoff return will live in Texans’ lore, a major factor was the horrible excuse for tackling by the Jags Special Teamers. Six guys missed tackles on that run-back, and Beck is not making anyone think of Billy “White Shoes” Johnson. Throw in two missed FGs, to include allowing Anderson to block one that saw Jacksonville go from a chance to cut the lead to four early on to facing at a 14-point deficit, one that they never complete erased. Not going to be a fun week for the Jags special teams in the film sessions.

With that, Houston returns home (maybe against their wishes, given the lack of home-field success), to host the 2-1 Pittsburgh Steelers. Kickoff is slated for noon CDT, but you’ll want to get there earlier as Houston will be inducting the third member into its Ring of Honor: JJ Watt. See you then.