You sometimes never know what is out there to call the future…
NEW YORK – With the MLB regular season fast approaching, it is time for fanbases to gear up to cheer for their team. The end game is the same: win it all. To win requires a lot of work, from player development and talent management to front office acumen. Even then, the seeming randomness of the postseason can leave everything to chance.
Not that people don’t try to negate the chance element. Totally Not Fake News sources indicate that there is a somewhat mysterious source that some baseball fans, if they are brave or lucky enough to find, offer insight into the coming season.
“Oh, the ‘Baseball Oracle,’” observed Mr. Percy Jackson, a native New Yorker with a curious-looking orange shirt. “Yeah, it doesn’t get a lot of coverage at our camp, but it does get talked about from time to time, usually before Opening Day.”
“Well, no duh, sea-weed brain,” noted Ms. Annabeth Chase, who just so happened to be sporting a Yankees cap. “Remember, Chiron talked about this last spring. When the Greek Gods moved from Greece to America, they didn’t care about baseball. But then you saw what happened with Babe Ruth. Suddenly, the Gods got very curious about baseball. Apollo, in particular, thought it would be fun to set up an oracle that could specifically foretell baseball results. At first, it didn’t work all that great ‘cause it just kept picking the Yankees to win everything. But then there was some falling out with Apollo and Hermes, and well, the oracle started to get very interesting.”
“Annabeth, why are you telling them this? We don’t talk about this outside of camp,” chimed in Mr. Grover Norwood, a young man with rather long ears.
“Oh, don’t worry. This gets printed, it will just get called fake news,” Ms. Chase retorted. “Anyway, the dispute with Hermes and Apollo kinda messed up the oracle.”
When pressed as to why, Ms. Chase noted “Well, the thing is, it will tell the future of exactly what will happen, but opaquely. And if you don’t provide a good enough offering…Zeus help you, ‘cause no one else will.”
“Here’s a few examples of what we mean:”
“Some dude went in there, we think from Dallas/Ft. Worth/Arlington…anyway, guess he was a Rangers fan (snort). Apparently, wanted to know what would happen with his team. Got this one….”in a new house of baseball, where the game of old is played, a championship will be contested and glory made, for the team that shall claim the palace as their own, will claim victory in the sixth contest and hold glory alone.”
Our Totally Not Fake News Reporter countered “Wait a minute, you said that was a Rangers fan…when did that happen?”
Replied Ms. Chase: “Oh, that was 2020, right before that whole pandemic thingy…which, before you ask, was not the result of Apollo either, even if he IS the God of Medicine…”
We at Totally Not Fake News didn’t ask, but under the circumstances, we allowed the three to continue.
Continued Mr. Jackson: “I remember last year, someone who was a Mets fan went there and had a nice pizza offering. Apparently, he wanted to know if his team would get some good players. The response, from what we could tell, was:
“The best that mortal treasure can provide will give you the hope that you seek.” Then the dude just ran out there at warp speed, all happy and cheerful. Bad move.
When asked why, Mr. Jackson replied “ ‘Cause the guy didn’t hear the rest of the prophecy. It is never that straightforward. We think the rest of the line was something like “…but beware, for mortal fortunes can turn rotten and the dreams can start to reek.’ Well, you recall the Mets last year…”
The group got a laugh when someone brought up the Atlanta fan who wanted the team to be as good as the 1990s squads. “Yeah, that one was funny.” Noted Mr. Norwood. “What was the line? Oh, yeah: ‘So eager to relive the past, and as such, history will yet again rhyme. A chance for another crown, but quite a lot will match that earlier time.’”
The tenor turned a little darker when the matter of the Yankees came up when some fans were desperate to dominate again at Minute Maid Park in 2023 after their less-than-ideal 2022. “That one, it went something like this: ‘Your biggest aim, to dominate your great foe in their kingdom you shall achieve, yet be warned, for you will get only that which you asked to receive.’” When pressed, Mr. Norwood noted, “Yeah, they kinda just focused on the whole revenge on the Astros and didn’t account for, like, better health or actually playing good baseball. That and Apollo has kinda had it in for the Yankees since Jeter retired to Florida. Then again, would you rather Apollo or Hannah???”
At the mention of Houston, our reporter thought to ask if, along with those asking for glory for their team, people came to the Oracle to ask to curse one another. “Oh Hades yes, has that been the case!” Exclaimed Mr. Jackson. “Quite a lot of curses leveled at the Yankees and Dodgers, but since 2020, definitely Houston.”
“Well, maybe Houston brought it on themselves, but the thing about the Gods is that they have their own unique sense of humor. I think deep down they like the Astros ‘cause it keeps bringing people to the temple for better offerings. Like, there was that one Dodgers fan who brought in one the biggest offering ever seen and was praying for the Dodgers to be better than the Astros. That was also 2020. Anyway, the Oracle offered this: “To fulfill vengeance, whether the wrong was truly a wrong within reason, from here on out, the Dodgers shall gather more victories than the Astros in the main baseball season.”
Our crack staff did some research, and it appears that this request was fulfilled. Since 2020, the Dodgers have won more games than the Astros. Yet, sources also indicate that the Dodgers aren’t all that happy, especially since 2021.
“Well, there was that one actual Houston fan that showed up in mid-September last year. He was really loaded with gold, great food, free Taylor Swift tickets…I mean this dude was loaded with some of the best offerings ever seen. I think he was asking for the Astros to make the playoffs, win the division, get a favorable matchup in a Championship series, actually win a playoff game at home, and for his favorite player to hit some key shots…and get rid of the manager. From the oracle:
“All that you have asked for, based on what you offered for gifts, shall come to pass, exactly as you have asked for, and may your spirits be lifted.”
As before, our staff followed up. Apparently, footage received showed the individual leaving the Oracle wearing a Houston #27 jersey. “Well, in one respect, you can say he didn’t get EXACTLY what he hoped for…but somehow…” acknowledged Ms. Chase.
After giving this some thought, our reporter asked “So, would you recommend to our readers that they should seek out this ‘oracle’ before Spring Training?”
Mr. Jackson replied almost immediately, “Dude, I would stay as far away as possible. The thing about those Greek prophecies is that they will come true, but you can never know what the Gods are thinking or how the Fates will play things out. Best hope that your team has a good farm system and spent wisely in free agency.”
Yet, even before we could depart, we reviewed footage from roughly the same time as the Astros fan visited, where a fan burst forth from the oracle location, all smiling and cheering “The Oracle told me, it is gonna happen, it is ABSOLUTELY gonna happen. It told me that a blue and white team with lots of stars is gonna take a championship this season, and it alluded to Arlington. YEAH BABY!!!! CHAMPIONSHIP GLORY IS OURS!!!”
Our reporter skeptically looked over at Mr. Jackson “As you were saying…the dude is from Arlington and they…”
“Uh, did you happen to see his shirt?” Mr. Norwood asked.
When we looked back, we did notice the shirt…the blue shirt with white lettering on the front, and some words on the back…
“Oh…”
“Yeah, you see, sometimes people don’t realize that this is a sport-specific oracle.” followed Mr. Jackson.
The back of the shirt had the following: “How ‘Bout Them Cowboys!”