After their shortest playoff trip in over 20 years, how have key members of the Astros coped?
HOUSTON – It is a strange feeling around Minute Maid Park. It is deep into October, and the blaringly loud sound of silence is eerily deafening. The ballpark hasn’t seen significant activity since the Astros’ abrupt ending to the season on Oct 2. Houston hadn’t seen that quick a playoff exit since 2001. “For a minute there, I thought we were back in the NL, and we just played the Braves yet again in the NLDS.” Noted one long-time unnamed Astros staffer.
It is the oddest of feelings for all concerned within the Astros’ organization. For the front office, many heard rumors about a despondent Jim Crane, wandering the halls of Minute Maid, staggering around, tearing his clothes and lamenting “Pressly!, Hader!…give me back my playoff gate receipts!” Other staffers noted that Crane seemed particularly on edge with the start of the ALCS, when he started receiving a series from messages from his long-time rival in his long-standing old-white-man feud, Yankees GM Brian Cashman.
“Hey Jim, wish you were here. So would’ve loved to kick your [KITTEN]!”
“Hey Jim, did I send you the gate receipts for our playoff home games? Looking real, real good this year.”
“Hey Jim, how come you couldn’t beat a middling AL Central Team. We’re doing just fine…”
“Hey Jim. Manfred loves our TV ratings. So sad you’ll never generate those…”
“I think Crane was about explode, but then he got back to his ‘exercises’ that his wife set for him to guide the off-season.” We at Totally Not Fake News, using our always completely legal and ethical means of innocent whaling found out just what those exercises are:
For today, please copy down the following sentence roughly 500 times: “I will not sign any player in free agency to an exorbitant contract without a GM.”
For the players, it is also a weird feeling. Several stories circulated around the Astros’ front offices that Jose Altuve, on instinct, drove up to Minute Maid to get some extra BP and fielding, only to find the gates locked. “Apparently, Mrs. Altuve had to remind him that the season was over.” Noted this same unnamed staffer. “Then again, when you’ve been doing something for 7 straight years like prepping to play in the ALCS, you will have that issue.” The same staffer also reported that at times, Altuve would bolt up wide awake in the middle of the night, yelling “No! I won’t go back to 2014! I won’t go back to those days! We won’t suck again!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!”
We wondered if Altuve’s long-time partners in crime for those playoff runs like 3B Alex Bregman and SP Justin Verlander also felt the same way, but all our representatives only received auto-replies like the following:”
“We’re sorry, but we are not available to converse at this time. However, if you will leave your name, contact information and best contract offer, we will have our agents get back to you with a reply. Please note that you are dealing multiple time All-Star, MVP-Caliber, World Championship winning players, so you best come with a serious offer. None of that league-minimum/qualifying offer type bull[KITTEN]. Thank you and have a great and profitable day.”
Meanwhile, at the offices of GM Dana Brown, there was a different type of stress. “Man, Brown has like whiteboards upon whiteboards upon whiteboards for plans to get the team back to actually winning playoff games. He is under massive stress, especially knowing that he has a depleted farm system. Was hoping to maybe delve into free agency to help out the squad, but, well, you saw the exercises’. With nearly $30M in ‘dead cap’ money on the books and Crane not eager to pay the CBT, well, that has lead to Brown having a few sleepless, sober-less nights, wandering the halls, ripping at his clothes and lamenting “Jim Crane, Jim Crane!!! Give me back my cap space!!!”
Yet, of all the Astros employees, perhaps the one suffering the most is the team mascot, Orbit. Normally, playoff performances are when he is at his best performance, balancing the tension of the game with light-hearted slapstick. However, with no more playoff baseball, the normally exuberant mascot is a bit down.
“Yeah, this month absolutely [KITTENING] sucks!!! Normally, this is my money-making time, with all the fans and air-time. Now, I have nothing but time on my hands. Of course, all my ‘friends’ are apparently ‘too busy with work’ to hang. And to think for the last few years how many invites did I have to turn down from by bros to go hang out? Ungrateful [KITTENS]”
We ended up talking with those “Ungrateful [KITTENS]”
“Looks, I love hanging with Orbit. He’s cool and all. However, for like the first time in years, people are actually like, watching my games. People in Houston actually come out to NRG, to see the team and ask so much of me now. October used to be a free time. A true paid vacation, especially since no sane Houstonian would come to watch that which we put on the field at NRG [Stadium]. Not now. Stroud, Anderson, Ryans…and me, the top bull of them all.” [Texans mascot] Toro noted to our reporter.
Photo by Nick Cammett/Diamond Images via Getty Images
“Gotta agree.” Noted Rockets mascot Clutch. “The last few seasons, I, of course, was usually free all October, but since the Rockets sucked serious [KITTEN], and no one was going to Toyota [Center] to watch that garbage. So was Toro. Yet, Orbit was always ‘soooo busy with his World-Series bound champions’. Well, the antennae is on the other ear now, eh? My employer actually has an intriguing, exciting product, and I am back to full-time entertaining.”
Photo by Marcus Ingram/Getty Images
“Well, you know why Orbit is really bummed, don’t you?” Toro noted sagely. ”You see, Orbit has always kinda had a wandering antennae, especially for those female-identifying species out here. I mean, I think his home life is good, but get him on the road…well, what happens in space stays in space, right? Anyway, guy had a female in every space port. Cleveland, Seattle, Tampa Bay, Washington, Atlanta, New York…oh, especially New York. I know Clutch and I told him to be careful, but, well, what can you tell a green alien?”
“Used to be even more exotic, at least until LA. Meet this one female back in 2017, and then, quietly, and in violation of about 500 local, state and intergalactic ordnances, paid her a visit in 2020. Well, I don’t know what all happened, but I think it went badly. Don’t know exactly why, but let’s just say he is glad that Houston hasn’t been back to LA for a post-season visit in a while. Anyway, I know he is down, and we told him we can try to meet up in Feb, but both Clutch and I are kinda busy right now. I think we are nicer about it than Orbit used to be, but ah well.”
Photo credit should read PHILIPPE MERLE/AFP via Getty Images
While no story is alike, it is clear that many in the Houston Astros organization, and those that follow the fortunes of the Astros, find themselves in the very unfamiliar position of watching from the outside the base-paths. Whether that absence from October drama be a blip or a trend is up to the Astros’ brain-trust and players in the coming off-season, the longest for the team in 8 years.