Baseball’s latest modifications to the playoffs…potentially.
NEW YORK – It is the most exciting time of the year for baseball. Starting Tuesday, October 1st, the MLB playoffs commence, with 12 teams across both Leagues out to battle for the most coveted “hunk of metal” available…well, depending on what happens with the current price of gold, but we digress. The playoffs showcase baseball’s best …at least to those not watching Mississippi State and Auburn play. Always guaranteed excitement.
Still, MLB leadership optimizes the playoffs to achieve the desired end-state: maximizing revenue for baseball’s owners. To that end, MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred and his team of experts, minions, orcs and extended warranty salesmen gathered to map out those needed actions to increase revenue, er, improve the already dynamic playoff product.
Here is what one unnamed staffer who we will keep anonymous so long as he continues to pay us good money relayed to our reporter:
“Right away, Manfred indicated a major, major problem he compared to the modern Gordian Knot. As you are aware, baseball is pushing for a big a postseason as feasible. Manfred was so, so happy with the expanded/bastardized playoff structure of 2020. Well, you remember how the owners pushed and pushed for the 16 team expansion, but the whiny players association, worried about salaries and not being screwed by the owners, thwarted them. Hence, the 12-team format with teams getting byes into the ALDS. However, a funny thing happened. Of the 8 teams with byes into NLDS/ALDS, only 3 managed to survive. Even the players started to whine about unfairness. Well, the gleam in Manfred’s eye just got brighter. If we continue that low success rate, especially with big market teams, the players might just willingly accept the expanded playoff, and MLB gets that coveted playoff dough.”
Our reporter noted that he didn’t see the problem. The staffer retorted:
“Did you by chance see who got those byes? Notice anything about the Dodgers and Yankees? Notice who headlines those teams? You see, Manfred has more than one objective to achieve here. He wants to expand the playoffs, and continued failure by those teams with byes figure to help. But this could put at risk his other great plan: Getting the ownership-dream World Series matchup of Ohtani and Judge. Dodgers and Yankees blasted all over our TV screens. The big media markets, the salivating of the big columnists, the idea that Joe Buck would get ESPN to let him out of the Monday Football Contract to loving call those matchups…and with Juan So-To for him to praise… there is a LOT here, but a LOT at stake. I mean, he secretly still watches the last at-bat of the 2023 WBC late at night…alone…when Ohtani and Trout closed it out, only he pictures Ohtani and Judge in a Game 7 World Series.”
Our reporter thought about it, and muttered under his breath that he would still cheer for the meteor to hit the field before being subjected to that.
After an awkward pause, the discussions continued:
“Now you see the issues. Manfred is still very, very concerned about the Dodgers, as they can’t seem to get out of the Divisional Round, and not without any semblance of starting pitching. He wasn’t as worried about the Yankees per se, but depending on the matchups, there could be some problems. So, a few things to expect:
“Specialized protection zones”: Given the intensity of the playoffs and injury risks, umpires received some guidance about player safety, with the idea to maximize (certain) player (Judge, Ohtani) production. Thus the SPZs. What that means is that their strike zones get tailored to meet certain ‘specific’ criteria for ‘the safety of the game and the master plan to make a lotta money in ad dollars’.”
“Granted, the specialized strike zones aren’t expected to apply right away. Mainly if the safety situation of the teams, or rather, the potential for failure to get these teams to the desired end-state fails, then those specialized protection zones go into effect.”
When our reporter noted that some might find this a bit biased, the staffer scoffed. “Oh, come now. If Ohtani and Judge make it deep into the playoffs, who’s gonna protest? Ohtani’s never seen this before and Judge generally plays in the post-season like he’s never been there either, but this is all about the eyeballs and ad revenue.”
Our reporter then wondered about some of the other plot lines and stories.
“Well, we do get that the AL Central basically got the benefit of playing the White Sox more than any other team in the league. Might make the early rounds interesting. I must admit, we lucked into the hilarity of the Mets/Braves/D-backs situation. Scheduling a post-season doubleheader to see who all makes it or either of them will even make it into the playoffs. Not even the NFL could script that one. No one likes a hurricane, but as Manfred likes to reference ‘as commissioner, you must learn to see the good in every situation.’ Besides, he get revenge on Atlanta for making his stances look stupid in 2021 and the D-Backs for giving him a World Series ratings dud last year. As for the Mets, he’s just content to let the Mets be the Mets.”
When we asked about any potential threats to the dream vision, they did admit there was some major worry about Philadelphia. “Hey, they’ve got the pitching, hitting and they’ve actually gotten to a World Series. Sure, a bit too ‘East Coast-y’, but we’d allow it. That and we need to mitigate the threat of marauding hordes of Philly fans storming our offices and residences.”
“Ok” our reporter noted. “You’ve accounted for most, but what about that other team…the other West division champion?”
“The other division champion…the other West…oh…OH?!?!? Oh yes, we are tracking. Any other squad, and we might be selling their rebound story as if they were the second coming of the 1914 Braves.”
“However, for THEM…Well, we have put into place certain measures, especially if they do manage to do what they always do. Remember the “Specialized Protection Zones?” Welp, we have them for that squad as well. Observe, if they end up playing one of the targeted teams…
Oh, and we have these revisions to the rule book:
[Rule 3.1.4.1.5.1.6.1.6.9.6.9(a): While in the normal course of a game, a ball hitting any part of a hitter’s body, to include the feet of the batter, normally constitutes an automatic walk, and whereby a player fouling a ball off of said foot would only rate as a foul ball and fall under the normal rules for foul balls (A strike call if less than two strikes on a batter or just a foul ball if two strikes), if any part of the foot of #27 for this team is hit, either by a pitch, or if said player hits the ball off his feet, this constitutes an automatic out of that player. This play is not reviewable. If the player protests, he is ejected for the game, and at the discretion of the umpire and league officials, for the series. If the commissioner is having a bad hair day, or Venus and Europa are in the right quadrant, said player may be suspended for life. His manager and bench coaches will also be ejected as a precautionary measure.”
Rule 3.1.4.1.5.1.6.6.9.6.9(b): If any player from said team hits and damages stadium property, mainly the scoreboards, said player, even in the course of hitting a baseball which is a fundamental part of the game since it germinated from the Rounders game of the 18th century, is immediately ejected from the contest. Any protests, and further ejections will follow. If any protest from #27, immediate execution by firing squad is permitted.].
“So, as you can see, we think we’ve covered our bases, so to speak. Our ultimate aim is to put together a product, a post-season matchup so glorious, that they will interrupt all the college and NFL football games to broadcast those at-bats. I mean, that worked so well before.”
When our reporter concluded that maybe the plan works better if Ohtani pitches, the staffer noted. “Ah, you’ve come to the next phase. That is the plan for 2025. In fact, we’ve labeled that initiative Project 202…hey, where are you going?”
At this point, our reporter immediately ran out of the building to save precious brain cells. Come what may, the chaos of the playoffs, perhaps in spite of MLB’s best efforts, should reign supreme in October, at least when they aren’t up against whatever bettor’s delight football matchup dominates the screens.